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I’m the guy who can make all the air go out of a room.
I’m the skunk at the proverbial garden party.
I never bring good news. No…when I walk in, I’m like a funeral director with the stench of death in his nostrils. Because more than likely, I’m there to bury your career.
I’m Stan from legal.
Now contrast me with Jan from H.R.
Jan is all warmth and light.
You might say she has a sunny disposition.
She is there to tell you and remind you of all those wonderful, fantastic, magnificent benefits at your disposal. It’s awesome, almost orgasmic. But wait…it gets better…vacation days…sick days…a 401K plan…maternity leave…family leave…but wait…there’s even more…a gym membership…health insurance…a dog park…I can’t compete with that.
But best of all…Jan is the one to inform you of your raise. A round of applause please.
But if someone needs to rain on your parade…and let’s say you need to be fired…well guess who must do the dirty deed? Yep, Bob from Legal.
Because these days, there are so many issues involved when you let someone go. You must dot your i’s and cross your t’s.
I mean just the other day, I summon Henry into my office. I tell him I’m there to safeguard the workplace environment. This is not the workplace of the last century. You can’t make comments about a woman’s breast…how perfectly round and perky they are as you salivate over her cleavage…no sir! And you can’t grab a woman’s buttocks…no sir!
Sign here. Sign here. And you’re outta here. Don’t forget to take your sex toys with you.
Yea…Jan from H.R. never has to deal with those unpleasantries. I liken her job to feeding and nurturing adorable kittens and puppies. Me…I’m the guy at the circus…shoveling elephant dung.
But I can shovel dung with the best of ‘em. Take that Jan from H.R.!
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